litbitch

my favorite RNC moment thusfar

On my way back from checking out the happenings at the capitol, etc in St. Paul today, I was having no luck finding the bus stop back to uptown, so I walked up to an idling #16 bus to get info.  The African busdriver said he wasn't sure how the 21 had been rerouted around the convention center. 
busdriver: Come on inside.
me: okay
busdriver: It used to go down 6th st.
me: okay.  I'll look at the bus signs.  They should say where to catch it now.
busdriver: Sit down.  I'll drive you there.
me: oh, I can walk [as I had; about 4 miles so far]. It's a beautiful day.
busdriver: yes, but it's hot.  You don't want to get all sweaty.  I've got the nice air conditioning, yes?
me: what? (I had a little trouble with his accent)
busdriver: It's nice in the bus.  Air conditioning.  A handsome bus driver. No?
me: Well, when you put it like that.  Air conditioning.  Handsome bus driver.  Okay.
busdriver: Okay.  I'll drive you.  We have the Obama mindset, yes?
me: Yes! The Obama mindset.  Yes, we do.

It's nice to be recognized.  I wasn't wearing any Obama gear, or any anti-war or other identifying buttons, for that matter.  But it's not like I blended in with the delegates: black cropped pants, black tank top, black Chacos, black backpack, black bandana.  Probably looked more like a terrorist than a Republican delegate. But whether it was stereotyping or some deep psychic connection, I loved that wry bus driver for recognizing I was not one of them, and even more for inviting me into his circle.  I sat on that freezing cold bus for 1/2 hour, missing out on another lovely walk on a perfect day.  Small tribute to pay to someone who inspires and instills hope in the midst of intermittent apathy.

honey ...... oh, sugar sugar

During the first few sugar-free days you may experience headaches, fatigue, depression, drowsiness, skin eruptions, and mucus or throat discomfort.

Some of these symptoms, especially the mood swings, fatigue and drowsiness, probably occur on a daily basis when you're still eating a high-sugar diet, as the blood sugar rises and falls - but you don't usually blame it on the way you eat. When you kick the sugar habit you will be very aware that these symptoms are being caused by your recent dietary change, and you should look forward to the day when you will be completely free of them.

A caffeine withdrawal headache might be quite painful, and can last for 2 days or more, while sugar withdrawal symptoms are usually milder but may last for a week or two. Some people may experience little or no discomfort at all, and will simply receive all the benefits of a no-sugar diet almost immediately.

I don't want to believe this

I am a feminist.  And I love men.  Not just as objects, but as people.  I know it's considered narrow-minded in many circles to say there are differences between men and women, and I've always seen gender as a wheel more than a binary, but insomuch as I can categorize the Y chromosome as "male", I generally prefer men to women, at least on a superficial level.  I've experienced far more sexism from woman-hating women than I have from men.  So as much as I think it is important to be a feminist, and to be aware of gender restrictions, stereotypes, prejudice, and violence, I guess I still find it hard to accept the pervasiveness of raw male sexism in this country.  How pervasive?  Pervasive enough for a gift store to prominently display a life-sized Hillary Clinton nutcracker cutout in their window in downtown Minneapolis.  I was disgusted by the joke gift earlier this year, but today I stopped and broke it down. 

What the fuck makes Hillary a ballbuster?

Given, I didn't follow the campaign closely, but I cannot think of one instance in the last 16 years in which Hillary did anything demeaning to men or said anything emasculating.  (And if she had, you can be sure I would have been hearing about it ever since.)  If that is the case, Hillary Clinton is a ballbuster because of one of the more of the following characteristics:

she's female

she's smart

she's educated

she's ambitious

she's independent (not politically, but that's another issue)

she's confident

she's accomplished

she's trying to move in on a traditionally male role

And if any one of these things make her a nutcracker, then there are some sorry, pathetic, weak fucking men in this country wasting their energy protecting their shriveled sacks against every woman I know. I've laughed at holocaust jokes.  I've laughed at child molester jokes.  I won't even apologize for it.  But there is nothing funny about the hatred and fear directed at the idea of a competent woman.  I can't say there is more racism than sexism in the US, but it's still okay to be openly sexist.  People would not have stood for a comparable mockery of Barack Obama.  Repressing our racism doesn't seem to have done much good in the last 20 years, so maybe keeping that vitriol out in the open will help people acknowledge and address it. On the anniverary of suffrage, it is particularly nauseating.  Perhaps the cutout was supposed to be symbolic of the horrific consequences of having given women the right to vote.  Let me play the elder statesman (ha!) here and say to all of the young women who think that we're in a post-feminist era: look around.  Equality is not another word for "sexual freedom".  It ain't nearly over.

(solid speech, btw)

What Would Jesus Do ...

for a Klondike bar?

adrift: lessons from the Fringe

Every year, fringe teaches me something.

This year, the lessons are finally settling in.  The emotional high of this fringe, coupled with the free time I now have on nights and weekends, have left me - what was that? oh, right - unmoored.  With no other reasonable recourse, I've been forced to face reality. Again.

I more or less forgot to take pictures this year.  I didn't show up in the official slideshows and appear in very few friends' photos.  My avatar didn't even make it onto the website.  Other than the program and the mandatory button, I've got no memorabilia.  Whenever I hint at wanting to indulge in stories of my fringe experience, I've been met with no enthusiasm.  While all of these non-events annoyed or upset me at the time, they've all been priceless lessons.  Vanity zapped! Pride crushed!  I've got nothing against sins as such, or rather I don't think of them as sins, not having the Judeo-Christian mindset.  They bug me only insofar as they keep me from living how I want to live and being who I want to be.  Once again (damn zoe; we are so tired of hearing this): let it go. For me, having access to recordings, notes, photos, and other memorabilia is a way of trying to grasp onto what's passed, instead of moving on. Blow it  into the ether.  Because there is no other choice for me.  I spent much of the 10 days after fringe either icky or angry.  Because I was feeling the hangover of the emotional buzz.  Well, no.  That's only part of the story.  The hangover doesn't last long; the withdrawal and subsequent longing can last forever, if you let it.  Fuck that.  Every second I spend dwelling on the past or anticipating the future is a second taken away from what's in front of me. Philosophy aside, another acknowledgement: the moments, feelings, connections, experiences that have meant the most to me can't be documented, at least not in an tangible way.  I'm having trouble even describing them here, so I won't attempt it.  A reenactment will always fall short of, or otherwise far from the mark of, the moment.  So why try.  Better to find new moments.  Better to be awake and ready for the infinite possibilities to come - the seconds upon minutes upon hours of the endless potential of my glorious, everyday life.

Here's the harder, or newer, lesson, and it's related to the last post.   

Burn yourself completely.  It's a Zen thing.  I'm going to let that sit as is, because I love the phrase.  I can't say I truly did that, but I did sizzle a bit.  And that's a skip in the right direction.  Or rather, pleasantly directionless.  Adrift and on fire.

unmoored

Strange place right now.  Not bad, but dark.  I blame a combination of things:

Having free time for the first time this year.  With the exception of the "holiday season" 2007-2008, first free time since June or July of last year.  Like all these things - my physical and spiritual health, my sense of self, the organization of my home and career, my academic life, have been hovering with centripetal force and now, with stillness, are scattered at my feet, waiting for me to clean up.  They're not hounding or bullying me, mind you.  Just sitting and waiting at the periphery.

The song Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

The book House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski

I don't know that I can really delve into the whys of the latter right now, or ever, so I'll just deal with the tangentials - the relatively easy things both works of art are bringing up for me.

I bought Come on Feel the Illinoise months ago, but, with the exception of the drives to and from hell Rochester, where I contained my music to the radio, in the (successful) hopes of pleasing my traveling companion, I haven't driven much at all this year.  When I've been in my car, I've been running lines with a tape recorder or half-absorbing the white noise of NPR.  Haven't spent much time at home except to sleep, and Sufjan's isn't, for the most part, an MP3 while biking kind of album.  So it's been sitting.  But I made its acquaintance again during fringe, and have been truly haunted by this song ever since.  The "in the morning" harmony caught my attention the first time I heard it, but I ignored the lyrics until last week, and now it strikes me as one of the most beautiful, achingly beautiful songs of recent memory.  More of a perfect, sweetly tragic short story with poetry and underscoring.  And death.

treatment for postfringeitis

  treatment for postfringeitis must address the emotional, psychological, and physical state of the patient

1. sleep. sleep every chance you get. sleep at your job, sleep on the shoulder of the passenger next to you on the bus, but sleep.  oh, and none of that tylenol pm or drunken pass-out sleep.  really, haven't you abused your body enough?
2. really, haven't you abused your body enough?  pick your poison, you know what I'm talking about
3. exercise; no, it may not be as much fun as racing to your next show, dancing at First Avenue, or engaging in sexual activities with the transient partner of your choice, but trust me, the endorphins help
4. shower, for god's sake; how long has that "I like to watch" tattoo been on your body?
5. eat restorative foods - like pre-Strongbow apples and pre-pinot grapes.  i swear, you can find them at your local grocery store.  sometimes they're even sold on the street.
6. meditate, hang out with non-fringe friends, go camping, do whatever best helps you accept that life outside of fringe is indeed good
7. don't join the circus!  traveling fringers are warm and fuzzy, but do not follow them home!  they are here to inspire, entertain, and titillate, but they excrete a drug that cannot be trusted. do not fall prey to their foreign wiles. say goodbye and befriend them on facebook, but stop there.
8. along those lines, your friends don't suck, your city doesn't suck, and your life doesn't suck. you are not artistically bankrupt and you are not trapped (at least no more than you were on July 30th).  do not plan a move to Boulder or Toronto to find yourself, find inspiration, or find your fringe crush.  As in AA, all major decisions should be delayed for at least a year.  Sober up, then reassess.
9. don't write a one person show about your traumatic personal/sexual/family life so that you can travel the fringe circuit in '09 (this has nothing to do with your health, it's just a personal plea)
10. buy yourself a little something nice - flowers, a CD, a new haircut...
11. look at the pictures, post the pictures, tag the pictures, but do not print the pictures.  they belong in the amorphous ether with all the fantasies you've created
12. read a book to reopen your eyes to the infinite possibilities outside of the indy theatre world, expose you to real tragedy, or simply occupy your mind
13. read/listen to the news.  Bernie Mac died! So did Solzhenitsyn! Putin is trying to restore the USSR! starting in Georgia! (no, not that one...)
14. be thankful, be grateful, be happy, and let it go.  you've got your whole life ahead of you, and it's a beautiful day.

fringe

*sigh*

lovely

lovely

lovely

i am awash in the lovely